This is the latest archive!.
Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site.
Your wife's hair attracts bees.
Your kid's birth announcements include the phrase "rug rat."
Your mom's ever been arrested for poaching.
Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."
Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.
Your grandmother has ever been evicted from a bingo game for foul language.
Your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it .
You can belch most of the popular Christmas carols.
You get odor Eaters for Christmas.
You've got "ammo" on Your Christmas list under the word "Mom."
You've ever used a carry-out as a mailing address.
You've ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get Your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You've got a room temperature IQ.
You've got a trash bag as a passenger side window.
Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop.
You've ever rolled Your riding lawn mower.
You've ever left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.
Santa won't let Your kids sit on his lap.
You think the "5 to 10 pounds" on the diaper box refers to how much the diaper will hold.
You ever asked the widow for her phone number at the funeral home.
You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and it's spelled wrong.
You Know You're Addicted To the WWW When:
You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.
You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.
All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
And even your night dreams are in HTML.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. or [C]ontinue?
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You refer to your age as 3.x.
You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.
You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL .
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.
Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.
You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.t, or [C]ontinue?
You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html
You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.
Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.
You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher."
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.
The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
You forget what year it is.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
You turn on your computer and turn off your wife .
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
PARENTS' DICTIONARY
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house
PARENTS' DICTIONARY
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house
Politically Correct Female Terms
She doesn't get PMS...she is HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have a KILLER BODY...she is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not a BAD COOK. She is : MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not a BAD DRIVER. She is VEHICULARLY CHALLENGED.
She is not a PERFECT 10. She is NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR.
She does not HATE SPORTS ON TV. She is ATHELTICLY BIASED.
She does not have SEXY LIPS. She is COLLAGEN DEPENDANT.
She does not get DRUNK. She gets ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED.
You do not ASK HER TO DANCE. You REQUEST A PRE-COITAL RYTHMIC EXPERIENCE.
She is not a GOSSIP. She is a VERBAL TERMINATOR.
She does not WORK OUT TOO MUCH. She is an ABDOMINAL OVERACHEIVER.
She does not have A GREAT BUTT. She is GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS.
She is not HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS. She is MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED..
She is not COLD OR FRIGID. She is THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE.
She does not have GREAT CLEAVAGE. She is CENTRALLY LOCATED.
She will never GAIN WEIGHT. She will become A METABOLIC UNDERACHEIVER.
She is not a SCREAMER OR A MOANER. She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE UP. She is COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED.
She does not SHAVE HER LEGS. She experiences TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION.
She does not have a HARD BODY. She is ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE.
She does not SUNBATHE. She experiences SOLAR ENHANCEMENT.
Her breasts will never SAG. They will LOOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD.
She does not SHOP TOO MUCH. She is OVERLY SUSCEPTABLE TO MARKETING PLOYS.
She does not CUT YOU OFF. She becomes HORIZONTALLY INACCESSABLE.
She does not have BIG HAIR. She is OVERLY AEROSOLED.
She does not SNORE. She is NASALY REPETITIVE.
She does not GET DRUNK. She is VERBALLY DYSLEXIC.
She does not have BIG HOOTERS. Her CUPS RUNNETH OVER.
She is not TOO SKINNY. She is SKELETALLY PROMINANT.
Bo Bo..Bad dog!!! Come back with that!!!!
Wait a minute, if this is the spleen, then what is that?
Hand me that..uh...uh...that thingie
Better save that, we'll need it for the autopsy
Has anyone seen my Rolex?
Darn! There goes the lights again.
You know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got 2 of them
Could you stop that thing from beating..It's throwing my concentration off.
What's that doing in here?
I hate it when they are missing stuff in here.
That's cool..now can you make the leg twitch?
Sterile, Smerile..the floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
Can you take a picture from this angle? This is truly a freak of nature.
this patient already has kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donor card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Darn! Page 49 of the manual is missing!
Return to Table of Contents